Universal Healthcare–Let’s go to Canada?

Up to this point, I’ve written mainly about funny, ridiculous, non-important things. But right now, I want to talk about something that JUST DRIVES ME CRAZY. It’s when well-meaning people make short, simple statements concerning hugely complex issues, about which they don’t know the half of the implications Examples: “I think socialism is the way to go,” “No one should have to pay for health care,” “Jesus would never start a war with anyone–what about turn the other cheek?” (or, the slightly more pithy “Who would Jesus bomb?,” “All corporations are evil,” the “The war is ALL about oil, ” or “Capitalism is greedy.”

I could go on, but by now you either get my drift or you’re nodding your head in agreement with those sentiments. So, why do these statements bother me? First, they’re very simplistic, yet strikingly direct and confident statements about huge issues. Another way of saying this: they’re gross generalizations.

Second, all these statements are emotionally driven, with a tug-at-your heart-how-could you-be-so-mean?-why-can’t-we-all-just-get-along- and-sing-Kumbaya-undertone. Some are plain accusatory. Consider “Who would Jesus bomb?” So now, if you’re supportive of the war in Iraq (or any military action, for that matter), you’re not simply supporting an unpopular war, but you’re doing something that JESUS IS AGAINST! (Interestingly enough, Jesus doesn’t have much sway in other hot issues, like abortion. Maybe the pro-life slogan should be: “Who would Jesus suck into a sink?”)

Thirdly, as I said earlier, most people who make these statements don’t know the half of the implications that follow from them. Let’s take “No one should have to pay for health care” as a case-in-point. (Oh, and the “Who would Jesus bomb?” pithy equivalent in this case is “Healthcare for All.”) I say people don’t know half of the implications behind this statement because they usually do know about half the information related to an issue like this. If they’ve attended any amount of college (and hey– even high school if they’re in the public education system), they’ve undoubtedly been indoctrinated by their professors who’ve taught them all about how mean the United States is and how selfish and naughty it is for us to remain in a system where we actually require people to pay for their medical services. They’ve been told about how superior a system like Canada’s would be, where our enlightened (and much nicer) friends up north are ALL provided for under the public, government-run, single-payer healthcare system. Or, they just watch PBS and listen to NPR and hear the same type of thing. There you have it: they know about half of the issue.

But what they probably don’t know is that under the Canadian wonder system (and of course, the system that they all envision the US having), not only does everyone have healthcare–but no one is permitted to pay for health care services. That’s right: If Government Hospital A tells you to wait 3 months for an MRI, you can’t just waltz down to the next hospital and ask to pay for an MRI to have it done, say, next week. There is no “next” hospital–just government hospitals B, C, D and E. People die on waiting lists.

In capitalist-speak we call this “no competition.” When privately-owned entities have to compete to stay in business, things like efficiency and customer service suddenly start to matter. Unfortunately, in Canada, it is ILLEGAL–that’s right, against the law– to pay for health care services. So, what if your brain tumor kills you before you can get in for surgery? Well, I guess you can just be thankful you didn’t have to pay anything for that death sentence of a brain tumor diagnosis! But wait–there’s an irony here: You DID pay for it! Oh yeah–that superior universal coverage is funded by your tax dollars.

So maybe this all explains why so many Canadians keep coming down here to get their surgeries from us non-healthcare-sharing meanie weenies.

So WHY does any of this matter to me? It matters because in California, Sheila Kuehl (D-Santa Monica), Chairwoman of the Senate Health Committe, has promised to re-introduce legislation in 2007 to create a universal health system in California. (So far, the only thing stopping her is Gov. Schwarzenegger; Kuehl’s first similar bill passed in the legislature, but Arnold vetoed it.) I live in Oregon–we have our own problems up here; the last thing we need is all those sun-baked folks from the OC clogging up our hospitals and clinics to have their hip replacements and CAT scans done sometime this decade.

So, if you’re going to complain to me about how mean and stupid, elitist and selfish we are in the United States, you’d better have something better to say than, “George Bush is a moron.” Oh, and if you actaully DO want to discuss an issue like healthcare reform, go research the other side of the issue. Turn off the Michael Moore videos (he’s ugly, anyway), CNN and the rest of the liberal-run news media. You’ve heard that already. I dare you (OK double dog dare you) to check out what Andrew refers to as “the underground.” Here’s an entertaining starting point: It’s a video, folks, not even something you have to read! And it’s related to the issue I just talked about. So, after you view it, let me know what you think.

Bathroom Etiquette–BREACHED!

Something that happened today during my lunch break inspired me to post on that well-understood, but little discussed topic of bathroom etiquette. Here’s how it went today in the bathroom:

So I walked into the bathroom, and there was someone in the first stall attending to business. I proceded to the next open stall. Just as I locked the door, someone else entered the bathroom and exclaimed, “Popular place today!” and then mumbled, “Excuse me.” (I don’t know who was in her way, since the only other two people in there were in the stalls…) First rule of bathroom etiquette broken: never talk to people in the bathroom if you didn’t come in with them. You don’t know who they are, and if you do, you are paying entirely too much attention to their bathroom habits and should be too embarrassed to reveal this.

After proceeding to the stall to my left, the woman situated herself and then started to sing in a loud, confident voice. This melody, however, had no words. It was a loud, sultry mixture of humming and song. And she just continued to sing like that, as she tended to the task at hand. Second rule of bathroom etiquette broken: Do not hum as you go or whistle as you work! As my friend, Andi, pointed out, the restroom is a place of business!

As for myself, and the other pour soul in the restroom? We simply sat, in complete shock and silence. I couldn’t even go at all. (I guess I got stage fright, unlike the mystery woman next to me, who was giving a fearless performance.) I got up, washed my hands, and left. What happened next, only the unfortunate woman left still giving it a go and the bathroom etiquette-breacher herself know.

Besides the first two rules of bathroom etiquette, I add the following:
#3: Don’t peek under the stall, no matter how curious you are about what the person on the other side looks like. Yes, this has happened to me before. But that’s for another post.
#4: Turn on the fan and use the air freshner! Look, I don’t know that men have this problem, but WOMEN- Yes, if you turn on the fan, everyone will know that you went poo. But TRUST ME, I’d rather find out by the sound of the fan than the scent in my nose.

In the interest of improving inter-personal bathroom relations, please add your own suggestions for restroom etiquette.

Public Enemy No. 1

For those of you wondering about the evil cat who appeared unexpectedly in the middle of my rendition of “My Favorite Things,” I submit this rap sheet.
THE ENEMY:

STATS:
HEIGHT: 9″
WEIGHT: 12 lbs.
MO: Waits until in plain view of his victims, usually friendly humans, and makes eye contact just before peeing on their sliding glass doors. Has also been known to poop on victims’ welcome mats. May provoke fights with other cats, resulting in noisy cat howling. Will draw blood from feline victims.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW: Enemy will appear friendly, possibly even cute, and will allow you to pet him. DO NOT fall for this attempt to gain your trust. In previous instances the enemy has allowed unspecting and compassionate humans to nearly examine his collar in an attempt to discover his idenity. However, just before said humans could make a positive i.d., the enemy lashed out with his weapon of choice, his unnaturally sharp and long claws, and inflicted pain and bleeding. Enemy has apparently compiled reconaissance information, as he is able to successfully locate and pee on the cars of his victims immediately after they pour a Nalgene bottle on him in an attempt to force him from their property.
WEAKNESSES: Has become conditioned to respond in fear to the sight of a Nalgene bottle. Your best method of recourse, in the unfortunate event that the Enemy engages you, is to immediately pour a full Nalgene bottle of cold water on him. However, do not attempt this tactic unless you are certain your car is well out of the way of his escape route, as he has been known to pee on his victims’ cars in an act of vengeance as he retreats after being hit by the Nalgene weapon.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

Ever notice how Maria Von Trapp’s favorite things were, oh, STUPID?! I mean “girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes (weird), “doorbells” (annoying), and, the one that takes the cake, “cream colored ponies.” Do I even need to explain that one? I think not. So, without further ado, I compose, My Favorite Things, in the World of Liz.

Sugar-laced lattes and fattening cookies
Movies with pirates and also with wookies
Days that I can sleep until ten o’clock
These are a Few of my Favorite things!

Ordering takeout and wearing pajamas
Sitting on the beach while in the bahamas
Finding a bargain when I’m at the mall
These are a few of my favorite things!

When the neighbor’s cat
pees on my porch
when I’m feeling MAD!
I simply remember my favorite things
and then I don’t feel so bad

Watching cheap movies at the dollar fifty
Shopping at Macy’s (though not very thrity)
Cashing my paycheck and paid holidays
These are a few of my favorite things!

When that evil cat
pees on my car
When I want to shave him
I simply remember my favorite things
and then I don’t feel so bad

Que Locura! en Univision

Que Locura! translates roughly (I think) to mean “What Craziness!”or “How Insane!” or “How Crazy!” For those of you who watch Univision (which is probably none of you, but I’ll keep talking anyway), you may have seen this show and wondered what’s going on.

Now, the show is particularly hard to follow for a non-native Spanish speaker, because, in addition to being in a foreign language, there is a lot of background noise, including a commentary complete with cartoonish laughter. But, from what I’ve gathered thus far (I’ve only been introduced to Que Locura! just this week), the show is a candid camera-like joke that the host plays on famous Latino guests.

On candid camera in the United States, usually the situations are harmless. But on Que Locura! we get to see famous people beat up producers with their stilettos, break down and cry buckets of tears, and in other ways panic, often as they think they are about to be arrested by “the police.” Sometimes we even get to see them fear for their lives when the Que Locura! actors brandish fake revolvers! On Univision’s website, they explain how this reveals the “human face” of these famous people and public figures. (For anyone who speaks a lick of Spanish, I highly reccomend visiting the Que Locura! website.)

So, this leads me to my dilemma. As anyone who has watched any amount of Univision knows, Latino television is full of Anglo-looking people with fair hair and skin (no trace of indiginous representation) and melodramatic “telenovelas” (soap operas). With this concept in mind, my initial reaction to Que Locura! was that someone should immediately apply to Univision and produce some decent material for our Latin American friends who are obviously much deprived. But upon further reflection, I started thinking…Maybe the real solution is to bring the Que Locura! concept to the English language. Que Locura! viewers are able to submit via the web their ideas for jokes to play on famous people. Who in the U.S. would not also yearn for the privilige of creating their own dastardly stunts to pull on unspecting victims, like that cute Dr. McDreamy from Grey’s Anatomy, or Katie Holmes and her Scientologist baby Suri (with the fringe on top?). Have “the police” pull fake revolvers on that adorable Dakota Fanning, anyone?

These are just my initial thoughts, but as always, I am eagerly interested to hear both your opinions and ideas of jokes to play on other celebrities. So don’t be shy–pour our your true feelings and your own cunning plans. I want to hear what you have to say.