For those of you wondering about the evil cat who appeared unexpectedly in the middle of my rendition of “My Favorite Things,” I submit this rap sheet.
THE ENEMY:
STATS:
HEIGHT: 9″
WEIGHT: 12 lbs.
MO: Waits until in plain view of his victims, usually friendly humans, and makes eye contact just before peeing on their sliding glass doors. Has also been known to poop on victims’ welcome mats. May provoke fights with other cats, resulting in noisy cat howling. Will draw blood from feline victims.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW: Enemy will appear friendly, possibly even cute, and will allow you to pet him. DO NOT fall for this attempt to gain your trust. In previous instances the enemy has allowed unspecting and compassionate humans to nearly examine his collar in an attempt to discover his idenity. However, just before said humans could make a positive i.d., the enemy lashed out with his weapon of choice, his unnaturally sharp and long claws, and inflicted pain and bleeding. Enemy has apparently compiled reconaissance information, as he is able to successfully locate and pee on the cars of his victims immediately after they pour a Nalgene bottle on him in an attempt to force him from their property.
WEAKNESSES: Has become conditioned to respond in fear to the sight of a Nalgene bottle. Your best method of recourse, in the unfortunate event that the Enemy engages you, is to immediately pour a full Nalgene bottle of cold water on him. However, do not attempt this tactic unless you are certain your car is well out of the way of his escape route, as he has been known to pee on his victims’ cars in an act of vengeance as he retreats after being hit by the Nalgene weapon.
Why is this feline felon allowed to roam free? If he is in fact attacking innocent humans, unprovoked, then he should be locked away… or that other option that is slightly frowned upon in certain circles. I have to admit that I am usually opposed to capital punishment in regards to animals, but this cat seems to have earned an exception. I am very sorry that you have had to deal with this terror.
Yes, thank you for understanding my plight. He does indeed roam free (and this includes jumping on the rooftops). I might have to call the cat catcher if he attacks me again. Whatever offense he deems that I have committed against him, surely it does not merit bloodshed!
[...] Justice Served! Jump to Comments Update: In a previous post, Public Enemy No. 1, I submitted a rap sheet for a cat that I’ve dreamt of killing for a long time. Well, it looks [...]