Riddle Me This: Today’s Question For Which There is No Answer

Premise: Evolutionary theory maintains that we evolved, very slowly, from our ape ancestors.

Question: Why do we still have apes?

My Dangerous Trip to Springfield

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to venture into Springfield, I advise that you speak softly, and carry a big object capable of inflicting severe damage in the case that you are viciously attacked.

Now, I have not as of yet been viciously attacked in Springfield–at least physically. But let me highlight for you some of the other frightening, yes I do say frightening, experiences I have had on my brief excursions to that God-forsaken place.

Due to our persistent need for food, we ventured to Winco in our quest for cheap groceries. But first, we needed to stop at the ATM. Looking back on this decision, I realized that ATMs in Springfield are probably not the safest places in the world. But I digress. To help you understand the unique nature of Springfield, let me pose a question. How often, in your experience, would you say that drivers go from the unusual state of sitting still and blocking traffic to coming within inches of backing into your vehicle, all for a reason apparent to no one at all?

Having arrived at Winco, we were greeted by a severely drunk, probably homeless man who didn’t need groceries, but who did reaalllllly need to use the Winco bathroom. Passing by this man, we then encountered an interesting family of 6, with one child and one parent dressed in black-tie apparel, with the others sporting stylish pieces from the Wal-Mart line…none of the 4 children, unfortunately, were wearing a coat.

And just when we were about to complete our glorious shopping trip, we witnessed the bizarre sight of a young girl plopping herself in the middle of the supermarket floor to mediate, and then, sulk.

This latest trip was, however, by my standards mild. On a Winco trip this past summer, I witnessed a hit-and-run. Unfortunately for the driver, I have the ability to read license plates.

Perhaps you live in quiet, uneventful suburbia and find these stories humorous. Living as close to Springfield as I do, I must at least attempt to find the humor in this “unique,” if not not notable, city.

It never ceases to amaze me how passionately upset Sprinfieldians (is that how you call yourselves?) can get when one dares criticize their city. I would like to pose a challenge to all of you who call Springfield home (Poor, unfortunate souls): TAKE BACK YOUR CITY! Stand up for it; take some responsibility! If you will not do this, at the very least you should have the decency to complain about it with the rest of us in hopes that someone else will someday, somehow, and some way evoke a miracle in this city (or make it go away).

Ty Pennington=Ernest P Worrel Reincarnated

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For those of you who deny that Ty Pennington looks like the late, great Jim Varney as Ernest P. Worrel (may he rest in peace), see for yourself.

Ya know what I mean, Vern?

“Fat Acceptance.” Continued!

So there I was in my car today, just driving to Quiznos, when suddenly, my blog post became the topic of the discussion on thet Sean Hannity show! Apparently the controversy continues as to whether the Donald’s following statement insults not only fat people, but ugly people, everywhere. Quote the Donald: “If I were running The View, I’d fire Rosie. I mean, I’d look her right in that fat ugly face of hers, I’d say, ‘Rosie, you’re fired.’ ” OK. I like breaking things down. So here goes:

Things Donald did not say:
All fat people are ugly
All ugly people are fat
He thinks fat people are ugly
He thinks a fat face is an ugly face
It’s bad to be fat and ugly

Things true about Rosie:
She is fat
She is ugly
She STARTED the fight with the Donald
But her comebacks aren’t as good as his

Things true about Donald:
He is not fat
He is ugly
He does have a combover
He’ll probably finish the fight with O’Donnel

Things true about the situation:
It’s unclear whether Donald ever went bankrupt, as Rosie claimed
There is no conclusive evidence he ever went bankrupt, however
Rosie does need to shut up and stop making money….
by whining and making fun of Chinese people!
If Rosie can dish it out, she should be ready to take it
Claiming that Donald owes the “Fat community” an apology,
as the NAAFA claims, is absurd

Societal implications: The Iranians hold a recent conference denying the holocaust ever existed, and Americans respond with a passive yawn. Donald Trump calls a fat and ugly woman fat and ugly, and the public outcry, as well as press criticism, is deafening.

Lessons learned: HA! Would Americans really learn a moral lesson from this?! FAT CHANCE.

“Fat Acceptance.” A Worthy Cause?

I was watching Extra tonight (and I don’t want to hear any wisecracks about that…I’m under the weather!), and while I was being riveted by the latest in the Rosie O’Donnel vs. Donald Trump super fight, I was suddenly made aware of another, much BIGGER fight–the struggle for “Fat acceptance.” Yes, apparently the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA) was outraged by some of the Donald’s comments about O’Donnel’s weight. In fact, their spokesperson claimed that Trump owed the “overweight community” an apology. Now, I don’t know who else is like this, but when I hear about an organization like the NAAFA, I just have to look them up. So, I found their website.

Now, I don’t have anything against anyone overweight, especially not personally. In fact, it may or may not interest you to know that I have personally e-mailed the world’s fattest man and told him I am praying for him as he is striving to lose weight (he has already lost some 200 lbs.) And I have prayed for him.

That said, I’m not entirely sure what to make of the NAAFA. Consider the fact that they have a “Fat Activist Task Force,” events and conventions, and claim they’ve “helped to create and sustain a fat subculture.”

I could go on with examples, but instead, I’ll cut to the chase. Is “Fat Acceptance” a worthy cause in and of itself? That is, does society need to be changed to become more accepting of fatness? Note that I said “fatness” and not “fat people.” I am certain fat people are treated unfairly to some extent, much the same as ugly people aren’t favored in the sense pretty people are. But in a country where heart disease (with its link to obesity) is the number one killer of women, and children are more obese than ever before…do we need to promote the idea of accepting fatness?

The NAAFA website is worth a look. They raise some interesting points, and point out discrimination and isolation experienced among fat people. However, they also claim that they work to dispel myths that apparently lead to this discrimination, citing “It’s not healthy to be fat” as an example. Can anyone claim that it is actually healthy to be fat? Sure, there are fat people who don’t have complications from obesity. But in general, it seems patently irresponsible to argue that it is healthy to be fat. I could probably stand to drop about 10 myself, and even though my weight is in a healthy range for my height as is my BMI, I believe those extra few pounds could be responsible for my rising cholesterol.

So if nothing else, this points out what we already know: Americans are overweight and obese to the point that it damages their health. At the same time, women and a growing number of men are grappling each day with the pain of self-destructive eating disorders. Whether fat acceptance is the answer, the problem, or has nothing to do with either, clearly our focus is far more outward, when it should be inward, and, as I believe, upward.