My Dangerous Trip to Springfield

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to venture into Springfield, I advise that you speak softly, and carry a big object capable of inflicting severe damage in the case that you are viciously attacked.

Now, I have not as of yet been viciously attacked in Springfield–at least physically. But let me highlight for you some of the other frightening, yes I do say frightening, experiences I have had on my brief excursions to that God-forsaken place.

Due to our persistent need for food, we ventured to Winco in our quest for cheap groceries. But first, we needed to stop at the ATM. Looking back on this decision, I realized that ATMs in Springfield are probably not the safest places in the world. But I digress. To help you understand the unique nature of Springfield, let me pose a question. How often, in your experience, would you say that drivers go from the unusual state of sitting still and blocking traffic to coming within inches of backing into your vehicle, all for a reason apparent to no one at all?

Having arrived at Winco, we were greeted by a severely drunk, probably homeless man who didn’t need groceries, but who did reaalllllly need to use the Winco bathroom. Passing by this man, we then encountered an interesting family of 6, with one child and one parent dressed in black-tie apparel, with the others sporting stylish pieces from the Wal-Mart line…none of the 4 children, unfortunately, were wearing a coat.

And just when we were about to complete our glorious shopping trip, we witnessed the bizarre sight of a young girl plopping herself in the middle of the supermarket floor to mediate, and then, sulk.

This latest trip was, however, by my standards mild. On a Winco trip this past summer, I witnessed a hit-and-run. Unfortunately for the driver, I have the ability to read license plates.

Perhaps you live in quiet, uneventful suburbia and find these stories humorous. Living as close to Springfield as I do, I must at least attempt to find the humor in this “unique,” if not not notable, city.

It never ceases to amaze me how passionately upset Sprinfieldians (is that how you call yourselves?) can get when one dares criticize their city. I would like to pose a challenge to all of you who call Springfield home (Poor, unfortunate souls): TAKE BACK YOUR CITY! Stand up for it; take some responsibility! If you will not do this, at the very least you should have the decency to complain about it with the rest of us in hopes that someone else will someday, somehow, and some way evoke a miracle in this city (or make it go away).